magic marz

solarium @ 2010-01-06T13:38:00

2010-01-06T21:38:06Z

I am just starting my new courses and I feel concerned at the weight of trying to lug my brain back into action. I have immense respect for all of you who managed to do this well, and I can see the benefit of post secondary education right after highschool. Then you haven't had four years of only doing what you feel like doing with your brain :(. However, just after musing on it for an hour, my scholarly inspiration is picking up again. I am trying to remember how to write essays, how to finish coffee induced lab work. It's exciting!! But the A's I was trying for may take more work than I expected. ALSO it would be easier in a classroom, I think. Reading online boxes is moderately less inspiring. But much more convenient for me.
I have so many ambitions and taking this first step feels scary and hard, but I am trying to just look at it as a step to take that I will overcome, and then it will be OK? It all will be ok no matter what comes of it!

I made Kalliope an impromptu book shelf and she pulls all her books down and flips through them and it's the sweetest thing. The things she does that imitate her parents are incredibly adorable. I found her flipping through Hemingway and laughing at all the text the other morning. She also grabs things out of her draws and makes like she's putting them on and sort of ends up with her pants and shirts as scarves. I guess she watches me dress too often ;)

solarium @ 2010-01-05T13:45:00

2010-01-05T21:45:22Z

Midnight on New Years day was rang in under a few strange clocks, many countdowns, all uncertain, between pouring champagne and yelling and eventually just kissing because we had probably missed 10-9-8, etc anyhow! At the dawn I was still awake, attempting to rouse my companions yelling "but it's a new decade! it's a full moon! it's beautiful! up up up!" to no avail. Eventually after a much sleep deprived and over drink consumed self heard this incredible version of Chelsea Hotel #2 on the radio, and made love in the early morning, fell back asleep for a few hours.

Reminiscent of past years rung in but so much better.

I am musing over "New Years Resolutions", I read an amusing article in Nylon about this. I guess with age we're all seeing the futility of them, but it doesn't really stop me from wanting to try. Most of mine are simple. Like, brush your teeth and wash your face every day. Stuff like that shouldn't be hard! I live so without a schedule though that I often fall asleep without any set routine, and my morning routine only involves coffee and reading.

Other New Years resolutions are to finish all of my Dostoyevsky collected this year at the book sale (an awful lot of text) and if I am ambitious, to read the Lawrence Durrell and James Joyce also. It's not a matter of it really being too much text as it can be hard to diligently read older literature. I feel some bizarre sense of duty though, always have, to read the classics. I keep promising myself once I finish reading the classics on my shelf (which I always do enjoy once I am however far into the novel) I can start reading "fun" things. My favourite to read is Beat-era literature. Or just you know, anything. Where did this strange sense of instilled duty come from??

Other resolutions are to strike a good balance in saving money and buying locally (a revelation about my favourite book store brought this about) and to try to play guitar or harmonium every day, as you improve incredibly quickly that way. And to learn to dress in a classier fashion. I am getting somewhat older and looking like a vagabond hippie girl isn't really as charming (at least to myself). Start indoor herb garden, and only keep plants I am actually prepared to upkeep and deal with the bounty of (a large garden last year rather overwhelmed me).

I start school tomorrow. Kalliope calls for me now. Much love <3. Hope to try and write more, maybe start some sort of fun tumblr or something?? But we've been on lj forever.

WISHLIST

2009-12-18T09:12:03Z

going to indulge in some shallow pining. my wishlist of non material things is vast and frustrating (often pertaining to relations with the material world anyway) so i will skip those.

these shoes.. for the spring *sigh* so feminine and simple and a 1 1/4 " wedge heel.

actually ALL of the Marais shoes are gorgeous.

my dell inspiron has treated me very well, it's almost on it's death bed (well, it just runs slowly if turned on for any length of time) and dell makes MINI ones. i sort of would like a "netbook" or what they are called as i am taking all my courses this semester online through college and probably for the next few semesters some courses online. however as it stands i am always at home, so not the most immediately practical. it seems like all of my friends have the acer ones and they all died... looking at asus and hp too?

the appeal of these notebooks came to me as they were reputed as the best pocket size notebook out there (and made in the USA). i remember something ginsberg said about the rhythm in kerouac's poetry (or was it snyder?) in part coming from him always keeping a little pocket size notebook with him. i continually suffer the notebook conundrums; i have journals that are a little too large to carry in a small bag. i have REALLY cheap corner store ugly notebooks i keep for jotting down random notes. i have moleskines that as i heard one say "they feel a little too precious" at times to write just nebulous random things in. the field notes sort of fall in the perfect middle ground of being inspiring and aesthetically pleasing but not so classy and beautiful as to humble me from pouring out my silly random thoughts. i also dig graph paper.

a lifetime supply of these. i wish i could just consume these two things forever sometimes.

and
i have a couple of flower remedies i started taking, and as far as i can tell, it's a beautiful and REAL thing. i highly recommend it! my boyfriend thinks i'm being a flaky hippie when i endorse 17$ vials of flower water, but it's like this invisible light flows through my body when i take them. i started to take one that helps you get through an inability to do chores, etc (related to boredom with routine) and i have improved vastly. if it's just psychosomatic? maybe. but if it helps, so be it! (and gently, without all this chemical nonsense).

complete LEATHER BOUND works of hemingway *sigh*. this is ALL i am putting for books. that list could go on forever.

i want this REALLY REALLY badly. soviet half frame camera. but.. i own enough cameras. i think..

and. this list could really go on forever. so that's fini, for now.
<3.

solarium @ 2009-11-18T10:37:00

2009-11-18T18:37:10Z

i am going to go back to school!

solarium @ 2009-11-08T15:23:00

2009-11-08T23:38:02Z

life is totally fucking crazy and ruthless. i know that shoes and clever online articles aren't a replacement for trying to decide what to do with my life, which is the source of my despair.

it's like, i feel sometimes as though my ability to choose and determine the path of my life is an illusion because i only somewhat am in control of the decisions i have to make, and when neither option is one you want to choose, what's the fun in making choices at all? maybe that's the beautifully empowering and comforting thing about day dreaming about something simple like shoes is you DO get to choose. it's an easy decision. when the going gets tough i want to take refuge in simplicity. reading poetry in bed too is good but all too often the themes are too close to home. being constantly assaulted with difficult decisions makes making easy decisions a treat.

i feel pretty lost. i've had the flu for too long. there are way too many things to worry about, it feels weird to be planning life out constantly in terms. segments. this segment will pass and another begins. i thought it was time to take my body and my life back but i guess i was wrong. i must want this, i must want something, why is it so hard to want something? i don't want to want anything large anymore. i just want quiet. i just want to be small.

solarium @ 2009-11-02T11:43:00

2009-11-02T20:05:31Z

things to accomplish in the next few years, or hopefully sooner!

- learn indian musical theory. i've got some basics of "scales" and ragas etc down with the harmonium but want to learn better. indian music is so amazing, divinity and music and it's beautiful!

- visit new york, my sister may move to montreal next year after highschool, and one of my best friends may eventually move to new york as she's marrying a man from there. i want to go so badly!

- grow and make my own medicine

- practice singing

- learn to make my own clothes

- start at least a degree in something. herbal medicine? or teaching? or maybe just book keeping or secretorial work? advanced gardening?

- study Blake

- stop drinking

- develop my own film

- acquire these and these. why do i feel i'll manage to do these things first? ;)

--

hangovers, especially the really bad ones, always have this way of making the world seem infinitely magical. in my nauseous delirium and weakness, all i can do is lie there and muse on all the wonderful things i want to do once i feel better, all the people i need to tell that i love them. i spent all day yesterday in one of these strange states, and today i am still rather weak from lack of food and whatnot, so i am internet browsing and reading brilliant articles and daydreaming of beautiful shoes and foreign cities.

solarium @ 2009-10-30T16:03:00

2009-10-30T23:04:03Z

click! for some photos..

solarium @ 2009-09-10T09:34:00

2009-09-10T16:45:08Z

I asked the universe for help recently, though totally unsure of what sort I needed, and it came to me!
In a way I can't really explain, but I am waking up. Maybe I just did it myself, but I think sometimes you need to ask for help. Then you are open to helping yourself. I felt so lost and physically exhausted and depleted, and I am beginning to wake up again.

I finished my Reiki Level One, which was a good experience in itself (a friend of mine learning how to teach after she completed her masters in India taught me for a very decent price!) but I also feel good just cause I guess I've kinda fallen prey to wanting certificates, now that I'm an adult with a child and whatnot. Not something I ever thought would happen, it's only symbolic, but I feel it can open doors.

Next week I'm going to go to Vancouver to see Cocorosie which is so exciting! With my friend too, who also wants to love the city and wander about loving lights and people and everything! Day three of no sugar (I somehow turned off my sugar cravings, I suppose I was finally ready to change things) though I'm sure I will have alcohol again in Vancouver.. or on the weekend. Strict regimes tend to make me fail very quickly, and then I experience less overall good, you know?

I overcame some barriers I have had some trouble overcoming for a long time during my Reiki training, in relation to the anxiety I experience during yoga and meditation. I think it's a way of my mind fighting being silenced, I always get fidgety and anxious during relaxation. But I pushed through it, accepted it, and it went away! Which is a huge development, one of the harder things I've had to overcome recently. I feel empowered now to deal with healing other aspects of being and maybe one day helping to heal others! It's a really wonderful feeling...

Summer has vanished, fall has arrived, I am okay with this though I wish I had been lucid for some of summer. Maybe I will just love this spring all the more when it comes. I have many practical things to worry about like not getting into school meaning no student loan which means no money, which means I must get a job. We also need a new place to live, as we gave notice. But as the universe helped me on personal matters I sort of feel safe, and like it will all be okay, I trust. Obviously have to make some movements, but I'm sure it will work out well!

Then I can begin my winter garden!

<3. Love.

pumpkin's hallucination

2009-08-14T18:06:37Z

magical things full of love

solarium @ 2009-07-28T10:31:00

2009-07-28T17:32:06Z

solarium @ 2009-07-06T11:39:00

2009-07-06T18:48:37Z

Part 1. of Fireworks
Part 2. of Fireworks at the Animal Collective show I saw! Youtube is amazing, I have been wishing I could hear this again ever since that show ended....

solarium @ 2009-06-19T11:15:00

2009-06-19T18:35:27Z

i am listening to radiohead's kid a very loud and kalliope is squealing along, playing with a stuffed tiger.

the temperature has dropped slightly and for such things i am glad, it is still excellent to drink cheap beer on the porch and look at the plants and talk but it's not sweltering heat. i am a zombie. i drink coffee and sit in bed until 2pm and then i get dressed and eat breakfast and then go drink beer with friends in driveways, or on the porch, or on the beach. but it's a good hazy zombie feeling, like i am just in love with my dreams, and why get out of bed? i was dreaming about japan. the other night i dreamt the united arab emirates were far north, and i could get there so quickly on my ship, but the whole dream was so grey. i have ideas for art and no time or space for their creation but i hope to soon have some time, or some space. inspired by krishna and his flute. baby is becoming slightly less needy, she can amuse herself occasionally now, and i guess it's just my job now to keep her satisfied and attempt to eat. i don't eat enough but don't get any thinner, mostly just out of laziness and forgetfulness, and lack of interest in food. i want to love food again! i wish for italy, i think italy would make me love food again. the memory of margerita pizza is enough to make me wish to eat. or greek food, or middle eastern food, it all would do. i can have all of these things but i feel no inspiration for anything besides grapefruit and eggs when i look at my kitchen DON'T FORGET DELICIOUS COFFEE AT LEAST.
i would like to sit quietly, to look at the buildings. the view from my window is beautiful and green but always the same. actually to just be on a train and look out the window, i think that would be more than enough.

to see the flamingos in the fog of southern france again, not even to touch these landscapes. i just wants .avis of windows of trains.

solarium @ 2009-06-17T13:13:00

2009-06-17T20:15:48Z

I am in love with Cocorosie! I am so slow.. I had heard a song of theirs many years back and decided I didn't like it and never really listened again... but it is amazing to discover new things always so I don't mind the wait :) Same thing has happened with marmalade, actually. How wonderful it is, to learn and grow.

!!!!!!!!

2009-06-03T20:42:18Z

http://www.archive.org/search.php?query=creator%3A%22Ginsberg%2C%20Allen%22

lectures at Naropa, etc, by Allen Ginsberg

solarium @ 2009-06-03T11:02:00

2009-06-03T18:04:26Z

the end of Sailor Moon made me cry.. a lot. what a beautiful ending!! we only got a couple of seasons here in english.. it was a HUGE obbsession of mine as a child/pre teen so I downloaded the original japanese w/ subs. but it's so wonderful... Usagi doesn't FIGHT Galaxia/Chaos.. she loves, and she believes, and she brings out the love and belief in the enemy and the world is restored.
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SERIES.. mm you all should watch the 200 episodes ;).. they're only 20 minutes long so it won't take a million years or anything.

solarium @ 2009-05-11T15:01:00

2009-05-11T22:11:37Z

outside i was weeding the garden torrential rain just started to pour and all the world smells new. i have many nice new toys, an old heavy zenit camera and a harmonium and a second hand book of poems about a more human side of Billy the Kid, a new guide to plants of coastal british columbia and it makes me want to learn what every green thing i see is called. bottled thirty bottles of organic wine at the ubrew winery and started another batch. freckles growing on my nose and eyebrows. brilliant love making on sunday afternoon then sleeping curled, actually sleeping in general so good to sleep ten, twelve, thirteen hours at night. the sunflowers are sprouting, sage, zucchini growing vine like, hanging baskets it's all so green. weekend after next is animal collective going to vancouver and hopefully overdue pairs of gumboots and highwaist jeans? eating too much but i don't care. the sun is back now.

love.

solarium @ 2009-05-06T15:22:00

2009-05-06T22:22:54Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4izoTTkhcw

solarium @ 2009-04-21T12:04:00

2009-04-21T19:06:20Z

i just slept for twelve hours and dreamt everything was polarized in some strange war, in northern lands, and i was so brave, because i had nothing. i iceskated away from gunshots and leapt off bridges and volunteered to die, because i had nothing. i woke up next to smiling kalliope and i love her too much for words today. it is good when our dreams remind us of how much we do have.

question

2009-04-15T05:52:24Z

What are your favourite blogs? (All topics!)

solarium @ 2009-03-20T11:53:00

2009-03-20T19:11:10Z

in the not so distant future, many close friends are returning to the island. i have experienced the departures/returns that normally i am making, but this time it's slightly different. like barushka is coming back who hasn't been here since 2005! though i was with her in prague the next spring. and evelyn will be coming from montreal, KC from vancouver, friends from nelson. so i sort of feel as though i must wake up and stop living in this strange dream world of sleep, baby, more baby, and hang around with duncan reading or talking or playing civilization on the computer. my time has dissolved which is just fine, i have heard others speak of new motherhood being quite a challenge, so maybe my fatigue and laziness is merited and i should be grateful for my relatively productive energy (i kind of manage to keep the house clean. which is a full time job along baby life).

i have been reading of everyone talking about plans and it makes me feel a bit like a deer in the headlights. plans? what plans? i have a vague idea to go to costa rica or somewhere for a month in the dead of winter when kalliope is still small and contented with a bucket, and we can stare off at the horizon all day, turn ourselves brown. so amassing some of the money the government is pouring into my bank account (really, they are, bless canada). plans also to go to india maybe in five or six years, when kalliope will be old enough to remember, and to study things of all disciples and maybe train her in music. but everything else.. work? who knows, who cares. i toy with ideas of going back to school and studying computer science or computer design as that is a more promising field than most other things i like (IE: literature, south east asian studies, history, art) and i am not good enough at math to enter into physics or astronomy though that has been a lifelong dream, it would be too difficult of an uphill battle for me to undertake at this time. i like computers too. but the idea of being attached to one always for work seems terrible. waitressing at the outdoor restaurant meant i did things like water flowers and stand in sunshine. also, all of my reasons to eventually move to a city have sort of been dissolved... like fancy clothes and partying nonstop, living in a little apartment above commercial drive. these things aren't possible or nearly as fulfilling when kalliope is here. i could become an elementary or highschool teacher but that would be emotionally taxing i think. i have a very nonchalant attitude toward these topics. house? job? they will come, and hopefully will be enough.

and part of me really just wants to resign all my desires of a decent career and pretty clothes and buy a piece of land and garden and have cats and dogs and sew and play the harmonium. live close to nature and give up everything else. but this sort of cancels out travel plans as it would take away all of our income, making payments and whatnot. i could just cook and clean and have babies, which is also an appealing life. i feel as though i should make a shot at something else though, you know?

nah i won't overthink it. keep sleeping in late and listening to music and taking photographs and walking in the rain. does life really get much better?

insomnia

2009-03-10T10:34:11Z

i just saw this photograph on flickr in my late night insomnia that has sent me painfully longing for greece again.

the cheap heaping pastas on flowered balconies overlooking torn up streets black hats streaming by mediterranean accents beautifying the simplest of speech.
rose wine and lemon trees on stark mountains, a painfully beautiful landscape in its starkness and timelessness and roughness, bathed in the surreal light of humanities past discoveries.

naked in the blue sea black sand tall mountains.
dreaming on a ship looking out toward another continent.
africa's winds on my face and this animal spirit.
the charm of old men in suits in the cobblestone squares
greek coffee, marlboro cigarettes,
the statues, the art, the recognition of the "forms" in nature
the trains to the sea.
the laundry in lines over streets.

i just long to eat a simple meal, alone, looking out on the most illuminated of all landscapes, to feel greece. not any more. when i am married it will be in that country. they have the most beautiful churches.

solarium @ 2009-03-04T10:23:00

2009-03-04T18:36:27Z

"What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: 'This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more' ... Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment when you would have answered him: 'You are a god and never have I heard anything more divine." - Nietzsche (The Gay Science)

The logic of eternal return lies in the assumption that (linear) time is infinite, while matter is finite. Therefore, circumstances, our lives, will be repeated, over and over. I suppose this solves the problem of "where do souls come from?" in reincarnation, as population increases. The logic isn't really the important part however. Take a moment and consider, if you were to relive your life, THIS life, right now, over and over, eternally, would it be a blessing or a curse? Would you do anything differently? Would you stop rationalizing not living fully or doing what your heart desires in the name of "oh it will be better in a few years". Always, we are putting off the present in the name of the future. Telling ourselves it will get better, never making rash decisions for the infinite of our soul. There's all sorts of faults in the logic of this argument, but it has hit me quite deeply nonetheless. Wondering, if I am to live this life again and again, for all of eternity, is what I am doing right now something I wish to relive a thousand times? So far, I'm pretty sure, yes. I'll ignore that this sort of takes away our freewill if always we lead the same path in theory. Are you happy? Would this effect your choices and decisions? Would you choose to live this moment again and again, for all of eternity? The answer should be yes! All we have is right now. There may be no future to give years of your life away in the name of, there may be no better career or time when things will be easier. There is only right now, and endless sequences and instances of here and nows, endless sequences fogged by longing for the past and hope for the future, but what of the present? This isn't to say never there will be pain or working toward a better thing, but always we should have our dreams in motion. Always we should be living to the best of our capability, I need to hold this in my heart, to never forget. Don't let anything hold you back, all you have is this.

solarium @ 2009-02-12T20:17:00

2009-02-13T04:19:44Z

i am going to see the animal collective may 24th in vancouver!!!! eek!
it's really exciting to have plans to do SOMETHING even if it's three months away.
also can do shopping in the "big city" and get drunk in bars (whooot this is a novelty now in baby land)

today i went to yoga class with a friend and it was the first time i have ever been away from kalliope for so long! it was good though, though often my mind wandered to her when i was meant to be focusing on breath.

PHOTOJOURNAL little glimpses of life

2008-11-30T07:02:40Z

(the incredible beauty and perfection of nature dwarfs every other artificial creation. it makes even art seem purposeless, until i can understand it as a natural evolution of the other. lately there has been so much talk of cybernetics, robotic evolution. i want none of it. i don't ever want to live forever, or colonize other planets. there is nothing more beautiful than nature, it is impossible. the earth in her unspeakable beauty, majestic, kind.)

light through trees at duck creek park (<3), grouch cat and a small, small section of dad's skateboard collection. the grateful dead skeleton/roses one is actually mine, but with my dad for safe keeping.

LENS FLARE

boys in the now torn apart peace park

we went to a wonderful book sale. books were about 1$ each i believe. last year we went on sunday at closing time and got as many as we could fit in a carboard box for five dollars!

tim.

the strange nostalgia that autumn and fog always brings.

i love this tree in the sun. it has now lost most of its leaves.

IMPOSSIBLY BLUE

my messy kitchen counter

i went from no film cameras to two in a week! one ebayed and one my mums. i haven't taken too many shots as i am working with 200ISO film and it has been fog and rain and indoors for quite some time. on sunny days i go out and shoot pictures so eventually some will come. i do have a flash for the lc-a but i am waiting perhaps for a social location. it is a very bright and coloured flash so i might just keep using digital for most flash shots.

chakra baby. my mum gave me this tshirt. she bought it at the parking lot of a grateful dead concert when she was pregnant with me and wore it throughout when i was growing in HER belly. i already like the goofy psychedelic symbols of the chakras, and now it is a very sentimental shirt, i will save for the baby.

solarium @ 2008-11-17T16:21:00

2008-11-18T00:40:34Z

today, probably four almost five years later than most, i got my drivers license! well, hardly the full license, i'm not sure how it works anywhere else but here you get your learners stage for 1-2 years by writing a written test and (barely) passing a vision test, take a road test, have a new drivers stage for at least 2 years, then you can take your full licensing test. this is something i have never planned to do, but i feel rather proud that i passed the written test with good marks and that i am at least a step closer to being able to one day drive if i wish. walking, hitchhiking, and the public transit here have sufficed, but as i'm going to have a small child, i'd like to have more freedom so i am not trapped in my house until duncan finishes work for the rest of my life.
another plus of this is my poor passport has served as my only piece of photo ID. it is very curled and tattered, the threads coming undone. i'm surprised it has never vanished some drunken evening at a bar.

doing all of these grown up things i have managed to do over the past six or so months hasn't been as hard as i thought, and i feel simultaneously amused and sad at my proclamations not so long ago about never getting stuck in one place and being vibrant and free and unattached for the rest of my life. what has actually struck closer to home in this process of settling is how relative freedom is, and how misconstrued i was in my concepts of freedom. freedom isn't really escape, at all. it is very internal. there is a satisfaction of the spirit in the moments of movement itself, like you CAN outrun yourself while you are running, this i cannot deny. but there is no real escape from the inside things, and it is the acceptance of the inner that brings about freedom at all. in a way, to be reasonable and pay off debts and get affairs in order is bringing me much closer to freedom than ever i was before.

i can't lie, sometimes i miss the things i have known in madness and escape, i miss the damp perfumed air of the equator and i miss flowers and birds and delirium. i miss champagne and cigarettes in bed, chemical headaches in the dawn, bringing about this funny elation of the spirit that is the product of outrunning the ego for a moment. but it is small things. it's not that here there is not enough. i am sad that i cannot just run like i used to, but would i anyways? i have been very lucky. i hope to continue to remember how lucky i am, i think of stories of arranged marriages and i think of more modern stories of girls with children and no help and being attached forever to someone who has no respect for women or for life itself. in the evening the boy returns to me who is the one i really wanted, and i am taken care of on all levels. that is enough to be grateful for in itself, without any elaboration.

aside from enjoying these last moments of peace i have been reading lots and lots of fiction and enjoying taking film photos. i like to take photos in general (best qualified as nature photography really as that's about all i ever take photos of ;) but soon there will be a baby to photograph) my mum is bringing me her olympus SLR and a LC-A is coming in the mail (haha yes trendy lomography photography, but there's aspects of the LC-A i like, as i want to do this pretty much purely for entertainment). i had high hopes for all this time off to learn new things but instead i am enjoying just being content!

in baby news i am 35 weeks along (!). baby has its head up still, which is a problem, but it's nothing endangering. the worst outcome is i am c-sectioned. i will find out what the doctors think next week probably, if the baby can be turned, etc.. the baby already is 5lbs 10oz! and has a decent bit of growing to do! this has all brought me a degree of stress as i had quite a bit of confidence in myself that i could go through childbirth naturally with no medications and it wouldn't be so tough. but the fact i could end up with a 9 pound backwards baby is humbling, it makes an already difficult thing more difficult and i am just going to accept that i will do what needs to be done, whatever it is.